JIM
Hello there, my name is Jim Henson and I’m a puppeteer looking for love. Are you the love I’ve been waiting for? I like long walks on Hampstead Heath, novelty records, The Wizard of Oz, and going to see Les Misérables again to cry and cry and cry. For me, the ideal date would be a steak dinner so I can do my “manly man cutting the steak” voice, and then we’ll have some poor waiter bring out a big dessert tray and explain each and every one of them to me as I wiggle my finger at them and say, “so what’s that one there?” It’s really great. If that sounds like a nice date to you, why don’t you come down to New York and talk about the Muppets?

FRANK
Hello there, my name is Frank Oz and I’m a puppeteer – just for now – looking for love. I like long talks about the craft of filmmaking, high art, and character purity. For me, the ideal date would be going to the store for a can of beans and not even recognizing each other.

CAROLL
Hello there, my name is Caroll Spinney and I’m a puppeteer. Before I ask you out, do you have any old photos of yourself with different hairstyles so I can verify whether or not I’ve asked you already?

JANE
Jim is doing what now?!

RICHARD
Hello there, my name is Richard Hunt and I’m a puppeteer. When I’m not performing one of my characters, I’m often working as a right-hander. What I’m looking for in a partner is a two-hander.

JERRY JUHL
Hello there, my name is Jerry Juhl and I used to be a puppeteer. I was actually the first one to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane! Kind of a big deal, right? What I’m looking for in a woman is someone who won’t threaten to turn me into a frog like my last one. God, she was hot.

BOB PAYNE
Hello there, remember me?? I was the first puppeteer to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane, not Jerry!!! Look it up! What I’m looking for in a partner is someone who will remember I exist.

JERRY NELSON
Sorry, what was his name again? “Bob Payne,” you said? Nope, never heard of him.

EISNER
Hello, I’m Michael Eisner, chairman and CEO of The Walt Disney Company. What I’m looking for in a partner is someone honest, dependable, loyal, respectful, obedient, and with a strong sense of corporate ethics. What I don’t want is someone who wastes company money like Michael Ovitz. For me, the ideal date would be stealing the rights to Sesame Street.

BRIAN
Hi, I’m Brian Henson. This dating video stars Brian Henson, the son of my father, Jim Henson. My father once tried to set me up with Debbie Harry, and I often tell the story of when everyone from The Muppet Show had dinner with her and watched her butt as she walked away. We took great pride in that. I guess the love I’ve been waiting for is Debbie Harry’s butt. For me, the perfect date would be hiding from David Bowie.

CAROLL
Hello there, my na– I have? Oh, sorry, never mind.

LEW
I’m glad you had a good time shooting the Crystal Gayle episode of The Muppet Show, but I still won’t let you make that movie about her.
JIM
What are you talking about?
LEW
Isn’t she supposed to play the Dark Crystal?
JIM
What? No. I don’t think you understand – the crystal won’t be played an actress. It’s stone.
LEW
Jon Stone is playing the Dark Crystal?
JIM
No, you know what a crystal is. It’s like a jewel.
JERRY JUHL
I’m playing the Dark Crystal?
JIM
Oh, good lord.
LEW
That’s me! Am I playing The Dark Crystal?
JIM
Yeesh. This is what I get for having artistic ambitions and lofty goals.
DAVE GOELZ
You called, sir?
JIM
Okay, this was cute for a little while, but now it’s just starting to hurt.
JOHN HURT
When people told themselves their past with stories–
JIM
No, no, stop it! You know I meant hurt as in pain!
BOB PAYNE
Wow, I honestly didn’t think I’d be included in this biopic, but it’s nice to know I made the grade!
LEW
That’s me again! I guess now the ball’s in my court!
HOLMES A COURT
Hi, I’m taking this company now. Get out of my office.