JIM
Hello there, my name is Jim Henson and I’m a puppeteer looking for love. Are you the love I’ve been waiting for? I like long walks on Hampstead Heath, novelty records, The Wizard of Oz, and going to see Les Misérables again to cry and cry and cry. For me, the ideal date would be a steak dinner so I can do my “manly man cutting the steak” voice, and then we’ll have some poor waiter bring out a big dessert tray and explain each and every one of them to me as I wiggle my finger at them and say, “so what’s that one there?” It’s really great. If that sounds like a nice date to you, why don’t you come down to New York and talk about the Muppets?

FRANK
Hello there, my name is Frank Oz and I’m a puppeteer – just for now – looking for love. I like long talks about the craft of filmmaking, high art, and character purity. For me, the ideal date would be going to the store for a can of beans and not even recognizing each other.

CAROLL
Hello there, my name is Caroll Spinney and I’m a puppeteer. Before I ask you out, do you have any old photos of yourself with different hairstyles so I can verify whether or not I’ve asked you already?

JANE
Jim is doing what now?!

RICHARD
Hello there, my name is Richard Hunt and I’m a puppeteer. When I’m not performing one of my characters, I’m often working as a right-hander. What I’m looking for in a partner is a two-hander.

JERRY JUHL
Hello there, my name is Jerry Juhl and I used to be a puppeteer. I was actually the first one to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane! Kind of a big deal, right? What I’m looking for in a woman is someone who won’t threaten to turn me into a frog like my last one. God, she was hot.

BOB PAYNE
Hello there, remember me?? I was the first puppeteer to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane, not Jerry!!! Look it up! What I’m looking for in a partner is someone who will remember I exist.

JERRY NELSON
Sorry, what was his name again? “Bob Payne,” you said? Nope, never heard of him.

EISNER
Hello, I’m Michael Eisner, chairman and CEO of The Walt Disney Company. What I’m looking for in a partner is someone honest, dependable, loyal, respectful, obedient, and with a strong sense of corporate ethics. What I don’t want is someone who wastes company money like Michael Ovitz. For me, the ideal date would be stealing the rights to Sesame Street.

BRIAN
Hi, I’m Brian Henson. This dating video stars Brian Henson, the son of my father, Jim Henson. My father once tried to set me up with Debbie Harry, and I often tell the story of when everyone from The Muppet Show had dinner with her and watched her butt as she walked away. We took great pride in that. I guess the love I’ve been waiting for is Debbie Harry’s butt. For me, the perfect date would be hiding from David Bowie.

CAROLL
Hello there, my na– I have? Oh, sorry, never mind.

FADE IN
EXT. SESAME PLACE – DAY
We open on Sesame Street, USA, in Sesame Place at The Muppetland Resort. We DOLLY IN toward the iconic statue of Jim Henson and Kermit the Frog, with the Goblin City Castle behind it. Children pass by carrying Kermit balloons, eating Kermit ice cream bars, and wearing Fraggle tails.
MICHAEL EISNER, 56, walks into frame.
EISNER
Hello, I’m Michael Eisner, Chairman of The Jim Henson Company. On tonight’s program, we have two special treats for you. The first is a new film called, ‘A Bad Jim Henson Biopic,’ in which the Muppets try to tell the story of Jim Henson, but all their information is wrong. It’s kind of a science fiction story that takes place in an alternate universe where Jim Henson never bought The Walt Disney Company, and he dies at the age of 53. It sounds far-fetched, I know – especially the part where the second-billed co-star of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ gets to make his own Muppet movie – but Jim says we have to air it. After that, stay tuned for a sneak peek of our newest ride, Journey into Imagination Illustrated, featuring over a dozen animatronic Karen Falks singing together.

BERNIE
You should consider buying the Walt Disney Company.
JIM
Walt Disney? He’ll never make it in features! He should stick to shorts.
BERNIE
Jim, it’s the 1980s now.
JIM
Time isn’t real if you never sleep! The future and the past are the same! You’ll understand when I make Timepiece.
BERNIE
Jim, are you okay?
JIM
Nope!

ORIGINAL TWEET

BOUNCY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC begins.
KATZENBERG
Jim, the Disney deal is going to be the best thing that ever happened to you. No more worrying about Kermit and Fozzie and Big Bird all the time.
JIM
Wait, did you just say Big–
KATZENBERG
Slip of the tongue, Jim. I meant to say Bean Bunny. Oh Jim, you don’t need to worry. We did shake hands after all.
JIM
That’s true. I’ll bet this deal will work out great!
“SHARE” BY JOE RAPOSO
JIM
(I’VE GOT)
SOME SOMETHING THAT YOU WANT
(YOU’VE GOT)
SOME SOMETHING THAT I WANT
PUT BOTH SOMETHINGS TOGETHER
AND SHARE
KATZENBERG
(I’LL TAKE)
YOUR SOMETHING THAT YOU’VE GOT
(THEN TAKE)
JOAN’S SOMETHING THAT SHE’S GOT (THEN I’LL)
PUT BOTH THINGS TOGETHER
AND STEEEEAL!!!

ORIGINAL TWEET

Joan Ganz Cooney brandishes an elephant gun.
JOAN
I’ve got an elephant gun!
The Disney lawyers are scared because she has an elephant gun and they don’t. The Henson children are sad because their father has just died and also because they don’t have elephant guns.

ORIGINAL TWEET