JANE
Jim, you and I need to have a serious talk about our feelings.
Jim freezes up, overwhelmed with nerves.
JANE
To be honest, I’m angry. I’m feeling hurt by the way you always take me for granted. It feels like, at some point, you lost interest in me as a romantic partner and as a person. We need to have an open and honest conversation about this. Right now.
Jim is sweating.
JANE
Well? Aren’t you going to say something?
Jim visibly doesn’t know what to do, so he throws some penguins in the air.
JANE
Does… does that mean your next idea was to blow me up?
JIM
Or eat you, yes.

INT. JOHN H. WILKINS, JR.’S DINING ROOM – EVENING
MR. WILKINS and MRS. WILKINS are seated at a round dining table with Jim and Jane. CLASSICAL MUSIC plays in the background as SERVANTS approach the table with elegant platters of muffins, biscuits and jam. One of them finishes pouring Wilkins Coffee into a mug at each place. Mr. Wilkins proudly raises his mug.
MR. WILKINS
A toast to Jim Henson, his Muppets, and our magnificent success!
Jim and Jane raise their mugs and take a drink, although Jim looks apprehensive about it and makes a sour face.
MR. WILKINS
Is something the matter, Mr. Henson?
JIM
Well, I didn’t want to say anything about it, but in all honesty, I don’t usually drink coffee. I’ve never cared for it.
Mr. Wilkins casually picks up his knife.
MR. WILKINS
Not even Wilkins Coffee?
JIM
I’m sorry Mr. Wilkins, but it’s just not for me.
Mr. Wilkins uses his knife to butter his biscuit.
MR. WILKINS
That’s no trouble at all! We’ll serve you anything you like.
JIM
You mean you don’t mind that I don’t like Wilkins Coffee?
MR. WILKINS
Why should I mind? Everyone has different tastes!
JIM
Exactly!
MR. WILKINS
Take me for example. I’ve never liked Stan Freberg records, but th–
Jim strangles Mr. Wilkins.

JIM
Hello there, my name is Jim Henson and I’m a puppeteer looking for love. Are you the love I’ve been waiting for? I like long walks on Hampstead Heath, novelty records, The Wizard of Oz, and going to see Les Misérables again to cry and cry and cry. For me, the ideal date would be a steak dinner so I can do my “manly man cutting the steak” voice, and then we’ll have some poor waiter bring out a big dessert tray and explain each and every one of them to me as I wiggle my finger at them and say, “so what’s that one there?” It’s really great. If that sounds like a nice date to you, why don’t you come down to New York and talk about the Muppets?

FRANK
Hello there, my name is Frank Oz and I’m a puppeteer – just for now – looking for love. I like long talks about the craft of filmmaking, high art, and character purity. For me, the ideal date would be going to the store for a can of beans and not even recognizing each other.

CAROLL
Hello there, my name is Caroll Spinney and I’m a puppeteer. Before I ask you out, do you have any old photos of yourself with different hairstyles so I can verify whether or not I’ve asked you already?

JANE
Jim is doing what now?!

RICHARD
Hello there, my name is Richard Hunt and I’m a puppeteer. When I’m not performing one of my characters, I’m often working as a right-hander. What I’m looking for in a partner is a two-hander.

JERRY JUHL
Hello there, my name is Jerry Juhl and I used to be a puppeteer. I was actually the first one to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane! Kind of a big deal, right? What I’m looking for in a woman is someone who won’t threaten to turn me into a frog like my last one. God, she was hot.

BOB PAYNE
Hello there, remember me?? I was the first puppeteer to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane, not Jerry!!! Look it up! What I’m looking for in a partner is someone who will remember I exist.

JERRY NELSON
Sorry, what was his name again? “Bob Payne,” you said? Nope, never heard of him.

EISNER
Hello, I’m Michael Eisner, chairman and CEO of The Walt Disney Company. What I’m looking for in a partner is someone honest, dependable, loyal, respectful, obedient, and with a strong sense of corporate ethics. What I don’t want is someone who wastes company money like Michael Ovitz. For me, the ideal date would be stealing the rights to Sesame Street.

BRIAN
Hi, I’m Brian Henson. This dating video stars Brian Henson, the son of my father, Jim Henson. My father once tried to set me up with Debbie Harry, and I often tell the story of when everyone from The Muppet Show had dinner with her and watched her butt as she walked away. We took great pride in that. I guess the love I’ve been waiting for is Debbie Harry’s butt. For me, the perfect date would be hiding from David Bowie.

CAROLL
Hello there, my na– I have? Oh, sorry, never mind.

MINISTER
Jane Nebel, do you take this man to be your husband for as long as you both shall live?
JANE
I do.
MINISTER
And do you, Jim Henson, take this woman to be your wife for as long as you both shall live?
JIM
I do dooo do do do.
The Snowths appear. Jim SINGS “MAHNA MAHNA” for the wedding guests. Jane is unsurprised, yet still disappointed.

ORIGINAL TWEET

JIM
You just don’t understand me, Jane. To you, I’m just a man. But to them …
Jim looks upon his vast array of puppets stretching as far as the eye can see.
JIM (CONT’D)
To them, I’m a god.
JANE
(pleading)
Isn’t it enough to be just a man? That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
JIM
But I’m not just a man anymore, Jane ….
Jim looks at the camera, eerily.
JIM (CONT’D)
I’m the Muppet Man.