JIM (CONT’D)
So that’s when I said, “That’s nice, but the reason I flew to England was to discuss your offer to produce The Muppet Show!” Eh? Get it?
Jim smiles as he waits for laughter. Michael, Jerry Juhl, Jocelyn, and Duncan all just stare at him in silence. Jim’s smile fades as the rest of them exchange awkward glances.
JOCELYN
Well, it’s certainly interesting.
JIM
You don’t like it.
Jim, moping, takes off his big Fozzie-esque comedian tie.
JERRY J
Jim, you’re very good at comedy when you’re playing silly characters, and you’re a great director! We all get a kick out of your work. But, maybe you’re just not cut out for comedy without puppets. You’re certainly not ready for stand-up.
JIM
Yeah, I suppose you’re right.
He tosses his tie into the waste basket.
JIM (CONT’D)
Anyway, I suppose you’ve been wondering why exactly I’ve called this meeting. Well I’ll tell you: I want to do a children’s show that brings peace to the world.
Everyone else is stunned. They look at Jim with amazement. Slowly, gradually, they all get big smiles on their faces that turn to LAUGHTER. Everyone starts LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY except for Jim, who looks confused.
Jocelyn is slapping her knee. Jerry has a fit of CACKLING, rocking back and forth like his stomach is in pain from laughter. Michael is banging his fists and his head on the table. Duncan is practically HOWLING AND SCREAMING. They all fall out of their chairs and start rolling on the floor with laughter. This goes on for about three solid minutes.
Finally, they pick themselves up off the floor. Jerry suddenly runs out the door into the lobby.
JERRY J
Hey, everybody! My friend Jim is going to tell you the funniest joke in the world!
Michael and Duncan shove Jim into the lobby.
JERRY J
(to Jim)
Go on, tell ‘em!
Jim still doesn’t understand what’s happening.
JIM
I think we should do a children’s show that brings peace to the world.
Everyone else in the lobby drops their things and falls onto the floor with WILD LAUGHTER. They’re crying, kicking, and flailing their arms around. Jim hangs his head in disappointment.
Suddenly, everyone forms a delighted mob around Jim and picks him up, carrying him out of the lobby.
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB – EVENING
To a packed, standing room only crowd, a COMEDIAN, 27, is performing on stage, and the audience is enjoying it.
COMEDIAN
So the grizzly bear, he walks out of the room. Well, now, the panda bear–
He is suddenly cut off as the mob carrying Jim rushes onto stage and pushes the comedian off. They put Jim down in front of the microphone as Duncan adjusts it to his height.
MICHAEL
Here he is, folks, the greatest comedian in the history of humankind… Jim Henson!
The mob hurries into the wings and HUSHES themselves. Jim is standing in the spotlight in silence, looking depressed. He shyly rubs his arm. Finally, he quietly mutters:
JIM
I wanna do a show that brings peace to the world.
The audience just stares at him. They’re waiting for a punchline. Jim starts to walk off-stage. Suddenly, the whole audience erupts in what feels like an EXPLOSION OF LAUGHTER. They are holding onto one another just to stay standing, and they all start hugging each other and crying. The room is filled with thunderous CHEERS and APPLAUSE, and then becomes an orgy. They’re HOLLERING for more. Jim woefully walks back up to the microphone, accepting his fate. Off-stage in the wings, the comedian is yelling into a telephone.
COMEDIAN
Eddie! Eddie! It’s Marvin! …Your cousin, Marvin Murphy. You know that new comedy style you’re looking for? Well LISTEN to THIS!

JIM
Hello there, my name is Jim Henson and I’m a puppeteer looking for love. Are you the love I’ve been waiting for? I like long walks on Hampstead Heath, novelty records, The Wizard of Oz, and going to see Les Misérables again to cry and cry and cry. For me, the ideal date would be a steak dinner so I can do my “manly man cutting the steak” voice, and then we’ll have some poor waiter bring out a big dessert tray and explain each and every one of them to me as I wiggle my finger at them and say, “so what’s that one there?” It’s really great. If that sounds like a nice date to you, why don’t you come down to New York and talk about the Muppets?

FRANK
Hello there, my name is Frank Oz and I’m a puppeteer – just for now – looking for love. I like long talks about the craft of filmmaking, high art, and character purity. For me, the ideal date would be going to the store for a can of beans and not even recognizing each other.

CAROLL
Hello there, my name is Caroll Spinney and I’m a puppeteer. Before I ask you out, do you have any old photos of yourself with different hairstyles so I can verify whether or not I’ve asked you already?

JANE
Jim is doing what now?!

RICHARD
Hello there, my name is Richard Hunt and I’m a puppeteer. When I’m not performing one of my characters, I’m often working as a right-hander. What I’m looking for in a partner is a two-hander.

JERRY JUHL
Hello there, my name is Jerry Juhl and I used to be a puppeteer. I was actually the first one to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane! Kind of a big deal, right? What I’m looking for in a woman is someone who won’t threaten to turn me into a frog like my last one. God, she was hot.

BOB PAYNE
Hello there, remember me?? I was the first puppeteer to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane, not Jerry!!! Look it up! What I’m looking for in a partner is someone who will remember I exist.

JERRY NELSON
Sorry, what was his name again? “Bob Payne,” you said? Nope, never heard of him.

EISNER
Hello, I’m Michael Eisner, chairman and CEO of The Walt Disney Company. What I’m looking for in a partner is someone honest, dependable, loyal, respectful, obedient, and with a strong sense of corporate ethics. What I don’t want is someone who wastes company money like Michael Ovitz. For me, the ideal date would be stealing the rights to Sesame Street.

BRIAN
Hi, I’m Brian Henson. This dating video stars Brian Henson, the son of my father, Jim Henson. My father once tried to set me up with Debbie Harry, and I often tell the story of when everyone from The Muppet Show had dinner with her and watched her butt as she walked away. We took great pride in that. I guess the love I’ve been waiting for is Debbie Harry’s butt. For me, the perfect date would be hiding from David Bowie.

CAROLL
Hello there, my na– I have? Oh, sorry, never mind.

JERRY JUHL

Jim, do you know what I like most about having you for a boss?

JIM

What’s that, Jerry?

JERRY JUHL

You have this incredible ability to help someone find an idea and then make them feel like they thought of it.

JIM

That’s a very nice thing to say. You should remember that and use it in interviews.

JERRY JUHL

That’s a great idea!

JIM

You thought of that.

JERRY JUHL

I thought of that!

JIM
Hello there, my name is Jim Henson and I’m a puppeteer. I’m called a puppeteer because I’m very manipulative and I make people say whatever I want them to.
JERRY JUHL
I don’t think that’s your personality at all, Jim.
JIM
Yes it is.
JERRY JUHL
Yes it is.

LEW
I’m glad you had a good time shooting the Crystal Gayle episode of The Muppet Show, but I still won’t let you make that movie about her.
JIM
What are you talking about?
LEW
Isn’t she supposed to play the Dark Crystal?
JIM
What? No. I don’t think you understand – the crystal won’t be played an actress. It’s stone.
LEW
Jon Stone is playing the Dark Crystal?
JIM
No, you know what a crystal is. It’s like a jewel.
JERRY JUHL
I’m playing the Dark Crystal?
JIM
Oh, good lord.
LEW
That’s me! Am I playing The Dark Crystal?
JIM
Yeesh. This is what I get for having artistic ambitions and lofty goals.
DAVE GOELZ
You called, sir?
JIM
Okay, this was cute for a little while, but now it’s just starting to hurt.
JOHN HURT
When people told themselves their past with stories–
JIM
No, no, stop it! You know I meant hurt as in pain!
BOB PAYNE
Wow, I honestly didn’t think I’d be included in this biopic, but it’s nice to know I made the grade!
LEW
That’s me again! I guess now the ball’s in my court!
HOLMES A COURT
Hi, I’m taking this company now. Get out of my office.

In a montage set to “YOU CAN’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER,” we see Jim and his team go to all of the American television networks and get doors slammed in their faces. Note that the song will have to be played at 900% speed since there are only three doors and this will not take long.
INT. BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Jim, Frank, Jerry, Jerry, Dave, Richard, and Don are all sitting in their lockers.
RICHARD
What do we do now?
JIM
I guess all we can do is pray.
They all close their eyes and bow their heads.
JIM (CONT’D)
O Mighty Favog, we humbly ask your blessing upon our-
Jim is interrupted by a MAN yelling for him.
WAITER (O.S.)
Mr. Hanson? Mr. Hanson?
The man is the STEVE MARTIN WAITER, who walks up to the lockers holding a telephone.
WAITER
Are you Hanson, as in “MMMBop?”
JIM
No, Henson, as in “HmmmBop.”
WAITER
Telephone call for you – it’s some British guy.

ORIGINAL TWEET