We see a long line of deadly assassins in a TRUCK SHOT from right to left, starting at the back of the line. There’s a samurai with swords, a ninja with knives, a Soviet spy, an old western gunman, a caveman with a big club, Boba Fett, a Robocop, and, at the front of the line, a Robin Hood-like archer. The archer’s arrow is pointed at an apple on the head of the Southern Colonel, who is being performed by a nervous Jerry Nelson. She shoots the arrow into the apple.
JIM
That’s very nice, thank you. Next!
The archer exits. Jim replaces the apple on the colonel’s head as the line moves forward. The Robocop steps up and points a giant gun at the puppet. Jim looks at Jerry with a giddy smile.
JERRY N
He doesn’t have to stand so close, does he?
JIM
That’s okay, he doesn’t mind. Action!

JIM
Hello there, my name is Jim Henson and I’m a puppeteer looking for love. Are you the love I’ve been waiting for? I like long walks on Hampstead Heath, novelty records, The Wizard of Oz, and going to see Les Misérables again to cry and cry and cry. For me, the ideal date would be a steak dinner so I can do my “manly man cutting the steak” voice, and then we’ll have some poor waiter bring out a big dessert tray and explain each and every one of them to me as I wiggle my finger at them and say, “so what’s that one there?” It’s really great. If that sounds like a nice date to you, why don’t you come down to New York and talk about the Muppets?

FRANK
Hello there, my name is Frank Oz and I’m a puppeteer – just for now – looking for love. I like long talks about the craft of filmmaking, high art, and character purity. For me, the ideal date would be going to the store for a can of beans and not even recognizing each other.

CAROLL
Hello there, my name is Caroll Spinney and I’m a puppeteer. Before I ask you out, do you have any old photos of yourself with different hairstyles so I can verify whether or not I’ve asked you already?

JANE
Jim is doing what now?!

RICHARD
Hello there, my name is Richard Hunt and I’m a puppeteer. When I’m not performing one of my characters, I’m often working as a right-hander. What I’m looking for in a partner is a two-hander.

JERRY JUHL
Hello there, my name is Jerry Juhl and I used to be a puppeteer. I was actually the first one to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane! Kind of a big deal, right? What I’m looking for in a woman is someone who won’t threaten to turn me into a frog like my last one. God, she was hot.

BOB PAYNE
Hello there, remember me?? I was the first puppeteer to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane, not Jerry!!! Look it up! What I’m looking for in a partner is someone who will remember I exist.

JERRY NELSON
Sorry, what was his name again? “Bob Payne,” you said? Nope, never heard of him.

EISNER
Hello, I’m Michael Eisner, chairman and CEO of The Walt Disney Company. What I’m looking for in a partner is someone honest, dependable, loyal, respectful, obedient, and with a strong sense of corporate ethics. What I don’t want is someone who wastes company money like Michael Ovitz. For me, the ideal date would be stealing the rights to Sesame Street.

BRIAN
Hi, I’m Brian Henson. This dating video stars Brian Henson, the son of my father, Jim Henson. My father once tried to set me up with Debbie Harry, and I often tell the story of when everyone from The Muppet Show had dinner with her and watched her butt as she walked away. We took great pride in that. I guess the love I’ve been waiting for is Debbie Harry’s butt. For me, the perfect date would be hiding from David Bowie.

CAROLL
Hello there, my na– I have? Oh, sorry, never mind.

JOE HENNES
Hi, I’m Brian Henson. In this installment of the Muppet Man film franchise, Jerry Nelson thinks he’s finally gotten rid of Frank by getting him drafted, but– uh oh! The Army doesn’t want Frank! I guess they don’t appreciate high art. Now Frank and Jerry both want to right-hand for Rowlf, and Rowlf can’t have two right hands! Or can he?
Joe makes an inquisitive face with his hand on his chin.
JOE H (CONT’D)
He can’t. Enjoy this episode of The Muppet Man.

ORIGINAL TWEET

In a montage set to “YOU CAN’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER,” we see Jim and his team go to all of the American television networks and get doors slammed in their faces. Note that the song will have to be played at 900% speed since there are only three doors and this will not take long.
INT. BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Jim, Frank, Jerry, Jerry, Dave, Richard, and Don are all sitting in their lockers.
RICHARD
What do we do now?
JIM
I guess all we can do is pray.
They all close their eyes and bow their heads.
JIM (CONT’D)
O Mighty Favog, we humbly ask your blessing upon our-
Jim is interrupted by a MAN yelling for him.
WAITER (O.S.)
Mr. Hanson? Mr. Hanson?
The man is the STEVE MARTIN WAITER, who walks up to the lockers holding a telephone.
WAITER
Are you Hanson, as in “MMMBop?”
JIM
No, Henson, as in “HmmmBop.”
WAITER
Telephone call for you – it’s some British guy.

ORIGINAL TWEET