JIM (CONT’D)
So that’s when I said, “That’s nice, but the reason I flew to England was to discuss your offer to produce The Muppet Show!” Eh? Get it?
Jim smiles as he waits for laughter. Michael, Jerry Juhl, Jocelyn, and Duncan all just stare at him in silence. Jim’s smile fades as the rest of them exchange awkward glances.
JOCELYN
Well, it’s certainly interesting.
JIM
You don’t like it.
Jim, moping, takes off his big Fozzie-esque comedian tie.
JERRY J
Jim, you’re very good at comedy when you’re playing silly characters, and you’re a great director! We all get a kick out of your work. But, maybe you’re just not cut out for comedy without puppets. You’re certainly not ready for stand-up.
JIM
Yeah, I suppose you’re right.
He tosses his tie into the waste basket.
JIM (CONT’D)
Anyway, I suppose you’ve been wondering why exactly I’ve called this meeting. Well I’ll tell you: I want to do a children’s show that brings peace to the world.
Everyone else is stunned. They look at Jim with amazement. Slowly, gradually, they all get big smiles on their faces that turn to LAUGHTER. Everyone starts LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY except for Jim, who looks confused.
Jocelyn is slapping her knee. Jerry has a fit of CACKLING, rocking back and forth like his stomach is in pain from laughter. Michael is banging his fists and his head on the table. Duncan is practically HOWLING AND SCREAMING. They all fall out of their chairs and start rolling on the floor with laughter. This goes on for about three solid minutes.
Finally, they pick themselves up off the floor. Jerry suddenly runs out the door into the lobby.
JERRY J
Hey, everybody! My friend Jim is going to tell you the funniest joke in the world!
Michael and Duncan shove Jim into the lobby.
JERRY J
(to Jim)
Go on, tell ‘em!
Jim still doesn’t understand what’s happening.
JIM
I think we should do a children’s show that brings peace to the world.
Everyone else in the lobby drops their things and falls onto the floor with WILD LAUGHTER. They’re crying, kicking, and flailing their arms around. Jim hangs his head in disappointment.
Suddenly, everyone forms a delighted mob around Jim and picks him up, carrying him out of the lobby.
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB – EVENING
To a packed, standing room only crowd, a COMEDIAN, 27, is performing on stage, and the audience is enjoying it.
COMEDIAN
So the grizzly bear, he walks out of the room. Well, now, the panda bear–
He is suddenly cut off as the mob carrying Jim rushes onto stage and pushes the comedian off. They put Jim down in front of the microphone as Duncan adjusts it to his height.
MICHAEL
Here he is, folks, the greatest comedian in the history of humankind… Jim Henson!
The mob hurries into the wings and HUSHES themselves. Jim is standing in the spotlight in silence, looking depressed. He shyly rubs his arm. Finally, he quietly mutters:
JIM
I wanna do a show that brings peace to the world.
The audience just stares at him. They’re waiting for a punchline. Jim starts to walk off-stage. Suddenly, the whole audience erupts in what feels like an EXPLOSION OF LAUGHTER. They are holding onto one another just to stay standing, and they all start hugging each other and crying. The room is filled with thunderous CHEERS and APPLAUSE, and then becomes an orgy. They’re HOLLERING for more. Jim woefully walks back up to the microphone, accepting his fate. Off-stage in the wings, the comedian is yelling into a telephone.
COMEDIAN
Eddie! Eddie! It’s Marvin! …Your cousin, Marvin Murphy. You know that new comedy style you’re looking for? Well LISTEN to THIS!

HEATHER HENSON, 6, walks up to Jim and tugs on his pant leg to get his attention.
HEATHER
Daddy, can I ask you a question?
JIM
Sure, sweetie! Asking questions is a great way to find things out.
HEATHER
Where do babies come from?
Jim thinks for a second. He crouches down to her eye level.
JIM
Well, it’s sort of complicated. You see, I like to think that they come from me, but there’s this guy named Jeffrey Scott who tries to take credit for them, and Guy Gilchrist likes to take some of the credit too. If we’re all being honest though, Michael Frith’s designs were the starting point. Does that make sense?
HEATHER
I think so, Daddy. Can I ask another question?
JIM
Of course!
HEATHER
What’s the Vietnam War?
JIM
Also a Michael Frith design!

Caroll steps out on stage and notices Jim in the audience, making him speechless for a moment. Everyone else in the audience seems to disappear. Caroll snaps out of it.

CAROLL
What I am presenting to you tonight is an innovative new experiment in film and puppetry. Thank you.

Caroll steps into his puppet theater. To be clear, the puppet theater is different from the theater he’s in. Like, his puppet movie theater is on a stage in a real theater. So, it’s like, okay, so there’s a screen behind him, right? And there are three cones projected onto the screen, but they can only be seen if the spotlight in the theater isn’t on, and these cones are different from his puppet cones, but the puppet cones become cartoon cones. And, like, okay, so, okay, there’s also a record with music that plays when he kicks it with his knee. I’m explaining this terribly. God, this sucks. Kill me. Is anyone still reading this at this point? Should I just give up now? Okay, keep it together, you can do this, you’ve written scripts before, you got this, okay, okay, you can do this, okay, you got this, okay.

Caroll tries to do his show and it goes bad. He pulls out his hair and yells at a kid and almost falls into a huge pit. They turn off the light and he finishes his act with a flying bird thing. That’s the best I can describe it. Good luck making the shot list for this scene, suckers!!!

INT. PUPPETEER LOUNGE – NIGHT

Jim quietly walks up behind Caroll.

JIM
I saw your show. I liked what you were trying to do. You too, screenwriter! Good effort! Never give up!

We see a long line of deadly assassins in a TRUCK SHOT from right to left, starting at the back of the line. There’s a samurai with swords, a ninja with knives, a Soviet spy, an old western gunman, a caveman with a big club, Boba Fett, a Robocop, and, at the front of the line, a Robin Hood-like archer. The archer’s arrow is pointed at an apple on the head of the Southern Colonel, who is being performed by a nervous Jerry Nelson. She shoots the arrow into the apple.
JIM
That’s very nice, thank you. Next!
The archer exits. Jim replaces the apple on the colonel’s head as the line moves forward. The Robocop steps up and points a giant gun at the puppet. Jim looks at Jerry with a giddy smile.
JERRY N
He doesn’t have to stand so close, does he?
JIM
That’s okay, he doesn’t mind. Action!

INTERVIEWER
Mr. Henson, what would you say is the definition of a Muppet? Where does that word come from and what does it really mean?
JIM
Well, I used to say that it was a combination of the words “marionette” and “puppet,” but I said that because, you see, I am a liar. I really just liked the sound of it. I think what the Muppets are about is learning to be yourself — being silly and weird, and following your dreams.
INTERVIEWER
Can… can I be a Muppet?
JIM
Of course! Anyone can be a Muppet if they’ve got a dream and a song to sing. If you love vaudevillian comedy and old show tunes, you’re a Muppet. If you love cookies or you live in a trash can, you’re a Muppet. If you have an uncle but no biological parents, you’re a Muppet. If Peter Sellers can grab your foot, pull it through a knot he’s made with your arm, and just totally screw you up real good, you’re a Muppet. And now I own you.

JANE
Jim, you and I need to have a serious talk about our feelings.
Jim freezes up, overwhelmed with nerves.
JANE
To be honest, I’m angry. I’m feeling hurt by the way you always take me for granted. It feels like, at some point, you lost interest in me as a romantic partner and as a person. We need to have an open and honest conversation about this. Right now.
Jim is sweating.
JANE
Well? Aren’t you going to say something?
Jim visibly doesn’t know what to do, so he throws some penguins in the air.
JANE
Does… does that mean your next idea was to blow me up?
JIM
Or eat you, yes.

Jim hurriedly walks across The Muppet Show’s set to the UNION REPRESENTATIVE standing in the corner of the Elstree soundstage, eating haggis.
JIM
Can we please have an hour of overtime today so we can finish shooting this episode?
UNION REP
Jim, why do you do this to yourself? Every night at the end of the shoot you come here and ask if you can have overtime, when you know that’s not going to happen. According to our union rules, we don’t work overtime unless we all hold a vote and the decision to stay is unanimous. In the history of the studio, a unanimous approval has never happened.
JIM
Yeah, I know.
UNION REP
… Until today.
JIM
What?
UNION REP
The crew talked it over and all agreed that, since it’s your last day and all, we’d like to thank you for being such a swell guy by giving you an hour of overtime.
JIM
Wow, that’s terrific! Now we have time to film that “Singin’ in the Rain” num– Oh shoot, I think that was Mr. Kelly who just bolted out the door in a sprint yelling “I’m free, I’m free, they’ll never make me sing that song again, NEVER, NEVER, HAHAHA!”
UNION REP
Yep, that was him.
JIM
Why isn’t anyone stopping him? Doesn’t Elstree Studios have security guards for this kind of thing?
UNION REP
You mean the Stormtroopers? You won’t get much help from them. According to their union rules, they don’t work overtime unless they all hold a vote and the decision to stay is unanimous….

INT. JOHN H. WILKINS, JR.’S DINING ROOM – EVENING
MR. WILKINS and MRS. WILKINS are seated at a round dining table with Jim and Jane. CLASSICAL MUSIC plays in the background as SERVANTS approach the table with elegant platters of muffins, biscuits and jam. One of them finishes pouring Wilkins Coffee into a mug at each place. Mr. Wilkins proudly raises his mug.
MR. WILKINS
A toast to Jim Henson, his Muppets, and our magnificent success!
Jim and Jane raise their mugs and take a drink, although Jim looks apprehensive about it and makes a sour face.
MR. WILKINS
Is something the matter, Mr. Henson?
JIM
Well, I didn’t want to say anything about it, but in all honesty, I don’t usually drink coffee. I’ve never cared for it.
Mr. Wilkins casually picks up his knife.
MR. WILKINS
Not even Wilkins Coffee?
JIM
I’m sorry Mr. Wilkins, but it’s just not for me.
Mr. Wilkins uses his knife to butter his biscuit.
MR. WILKINS
That’s no trouble at all! We’ll serve you anything you like.
JIM
You mean you don’t mind that I don’t like Wilkins Coffee?
MR. WILKINS
Why should I mind? Everyone has different tastes!
JIM
Exactly!
MR. WILKINS
Take me for example. I’ve never liked Stan Freberg records, but th–
Jim strangles Mr. Wilkins.

JIM
Hello there, my name is Jim Henson and I’m a puppeteer looking for love. Are you the love I’ve been waiting for? I like long walks on Hampstead Heath, novelty records, The Wizard of Oz, and going to see Les Misérables again to cry and cry and cry. For me, the ideal date would be a steak dinner so I can do my “manly man cutting the steak” voice, and then we’ll have some poor waiter bring out a big dessert tray and explain each and every one of them to me as I wiggle my finger at them and say, “so what’s that one there?” It’s really great. If that sounds like a nice date to you, why don’t you come down to New York and talk about the Muppets?

FRANK
Hello there, my name is Frank Oz and I’m a puppeteer – just for now – looking for love. I like long talks about the craft of filmmaking, high art, and character purity. For me, the ideal date would be going to the store for a can of beans and not even recognizing each other.

CAROLL
Hello there, my name is Caroll Spinney and I’m a puppeteer. Before I ask you out, do you have any old photos of yourself with different hairstyles so I can verify whether or not I’ve asked you already?

JANE
Jim is doing what now?!

RICHARD
Hello there, my name is Richard Hunt and I’m a puppeteer. When I’m not performing one of my characters, I’m often working as a right-hander. What I’m looking for in a partner is a two-hander.

JERRY JUHL
Hello there, my name is Jerry Juhl and I used to be a puppeteer. I was actually the first one to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane! Kind of a big deal, right? What I’m looking for in a woman is someone who won’t threaten to turn me into a frog like my last one. God, she was hot.

BOB PAYNE
Hello there, remember me?? I was the first puppeteer to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane, not Jerry!!! Look it up! What I’m looking for in a partner is someone who will remember I exist.

JERRY NELSON
Sorry, what was his name again? “Bob Payne,” you said? Nope, never heard of him.

EISNER
Hello, I’m Michael Eisner, chairman and CEO of The Walt Disney Company. What I’m looking for in a partner is someone honest, dependable, loyal, respectful, obedient, and with a strong sense of corporate ethics. What I don’t want is someone who wastes company money like Michael Ovitz. For me, the ideal date would be stealing the rights to Sesame Street.

BRIAN
Hi, I’m Brian Henson. This dating video stars Brian Henson, the son of my father, Jim Henson. My father once tried to set me up with Debbie Harry, and I often tell the story of when everyone from The Muppet Show had dinner with her and watched her butt as she walked away. We took great pride in that. I guess the love I’ve been waiting for is Debbie Harry’s butt. For me, the perfect date would be hiding from David Bowie.

CAROLL
Hello there, my na– I have? Oh, sorry, never mind.

Gonzo looks at the audience in an intense CLOSE UP.
GONZO
The puppetry arts were dead to begin with.
RIZZO
Wh– Pardon me?
GONZO
That’s how the story begins, Rizzo! The puppetry arts were dead to begin with! As dead as a doornail.
RIZZO
Hold on a second, Mr. Jones. You can’t just say the puppetry arts were dead before Jim Henson came along! We’ll get angry letters! Puppetry has a long, rich history of talents. Think of all the people in the audience you’ll upset!
GONZO
Oh really?
Gonzo gets up in Rizzo’s face and looks him in the eye.
GONZO (CONT’D)
(flatly)
Who?
RIZZO
I dunno… Bil Baird stans?
Gonzo stares at him for a while in judgmental silence.
Gonzo turns to us again.
GONZO (CONT’D)
Dead as a doornail.