FADE IN
EXT. SESAME PLACE – DAY
We open on Sesame Street, USA, in Sesame Place at The Muppetland Resort. We DOLLY IN toward the iconic statue of Jim Henson and Kermit the Frog, with the Goblin City Castle behind it. Children pass by carrying Kermit balloons, eating Kermit ice cream bars, and wearing Fraggle tails.
MICHAEL EISNER, 56, walks into frame.
EISNER
Hello, I’m Michael Eisner, Chairman of The Jim Henson Company. On tonight’s program, we have two special treats for you. The first is a new film called, ‘A Bad Jim Henson Biopic,’ in which the Muppets try to tell the story of Jim Henson, but all their information is wrong. It’s kind of a science fiction story that takes place in an alternate universe where Jim Henson never bought The Walt Disney Company, and he dies at the age of 53. It sounds far-fetched, I know – especially the part where the second-billed co-star of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ gets to make his own Muppet movie – but Jim says we have to air it. After that, stay tuned for a sneak peek of our newest ride, Journey into Imagination Illustrated, featuring over a dozen animatronic Karen Falks singing together.

KERMIT
That’s a great song, Mr. Raposo!
JON STONE
Yeah, what do you call it?
JOE RAPOSO
It’s called “Being Green” and sometimes “Bein’ Green” and sometimes “It’s Not Easy Bein’ Green” and sometimes “It Ain’t Easy Being Green” and if you’re lazy it could just be “Green.”
KERMIT
Well it sounded great!
ERNIE
I’ll say! These acoustics are the best on Sesame Street, right Bert?
BERT
Please just let me finish my bath in peace.

ORIGINAL TWEET

BOUNCY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC begins.
KATZENBERG
Jim, the Disney deal is going to be the best thing that ever happened to you. No more worrying about Kermit and Fozzie and Big Bird all the time.
JIM
Wait, did you just say Big–
KATZENBERG
Slip of the tongue, Jim. I meant to say Bean Bunny. Oh Jim, you don’t need to worry. We did shake hands after all.
JIM
That’s true. I’ll bet this deal will work out great!
“SHARE” BY JOE RAPOSO
JIM
(I’VE GOT)
SOME SOMETHING THAT YOU WANT
(YOU’VE GOT)
SOME SOMETHING THAT I WANT
PUT BOTH SOMETHINGS TOGETHER
AND SHARE
KATZENBERG
(I’LL TAKE)
YOUR SOMETHING THAT YOU’VE GOT
(THEN TAKE)
JOAN’S SOMETHING THAT SHE’S GOT (THEN I’LL)
PUT BOTH THINGS TOGETHER
AND STEEEEAL!!!

ORIGINAL TWEET

KERMIT
The neat thing about being a Muppet is that you’re connected to the spirit of your performer forever. I can tell you about where Jim Henson went when he died – death isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You wait in a long line to get into heaven while some guy behind you won’t stop singing “The Candy Man” and “Something’s Gotta Give.”
JACK DONAGHY
Thank you, Kermit, for explaining the afterlife to us.
KERMIT
Listen, Jack, thank you for being the man we all aspire to be.

ORIGINAL TWEET

The bartender takes Jim to a dimly-lit table where BURR TILLSTROM, 43, is sitting alone, smoking a cigar.
BURR
What do you want, kid?
JIM
I hear you know how to reach a man called Brillstein. I’d like to show you my puppets.
BURR
You’re that Henson guy, aren’t you? The kid who thinks he found a way to do puppets for TV without a puppet theater, right?
JIM
That’s right.
BURR
It can’t be done. I’ve tried it a million times, kid. You’re better off quitting now while you’re young.
Jim opens his bag and takes out Kermit the Frog. Burr’s eyes widen with amazement. Jim puts Kermit on his hand.
KERMIT
Hi ho!
Burr is stunned.
BURR
Is that thing even a puppet?
JIM
I like to call it a “Muppet.”
BURR
And what does that make you? Some kind of “Muppet Man?”

The CBS executive walks into his living room, gleefully counting stacks of money. At first he doesn’t seem to notice his WIFE (36), TEENAGE SON (16) and DAUGHTER (7) gathered around the TV set.
WIFE
Come here, dear, you have to see this new syndicated prime time television show! It appeals to all demographics and it’s in over 100 countries and everyone loves it now! I sure would hate to be married to the guy who turned down this show!
He walks up to the TV to see that the show they’re watching is The Muppet Show, which he had rejected. On the TV set, Kermit winks at him, somehow.
The CBS executive’s jaw drops. He drops the stacks of money on the floor. Then his pants fall down. The family dog pees on him. A piano falls on his head.