We see a long line of deadly assassins in a TRUCK SHOT from right to left, starting at the back of the line. There’s a samurai with swords, a ninja with knives, a Soviet spy, an old western gunman, a caveman with a big club, Boba Fett, a Robocop, and, at the front of the line, a Robin Hood-like archer. The archer’s arrow is pointed at an apple on the head of the Southern Colonel, who is being performed by a nervous Jerry Nelson. She shoots the arrow into the apple.
JIM
That’s very nice, thank you. Next!
The archer exits. Jim replaces the apple on the colonel’s head as the line moves forward. The Robocop steps up and points a giant gun at the puppet. Jim looks at Jerry with a giddy smile.
JERRY N
He doesn’t have to stand so close, does he?
JIM
That’s okay, he doesn’t mind. Action!

INTERVIEWER
Mr. Henson, what would you say is the definition of a Muppet? Where does that word come from and what does it really mean?
JIM
Well, I used to say that it was a combination of the words “marionette” and “puppet,” but I said that because, you see, I am a liar. I really just liked the sound of it. I think what the Muppets are about is learning to be yourself — being silly and weird, and following your dreams.
INTERVIEWER
Can… can I be a Muppet?
JIM
Of course! Anyone can be a Muppet if they’ve got a dream and a song to sing. If you love vaudevillian comedy and old show tunes, you’re a Muppet. If you love cookies or you live in a trash can, you’re a Muppet. If you have an uncle but no biological parents, you’re a Muppet. If Peter Sellers can grab your foot, pull it through a knot he’s made with your arm, and just totally screw you up real good, you’re a Muppet. And now I own you.

JIM
Hello there, my name is Jim Henson and I’m a puppeteer looking for love. Are you the love I’ve been waiting for? I like long walks on Hampstead Heath, novelty records, The Wizard of Oz, and going to see Les Misérables again to cry and cry and cry. For me, the ideal date would be a steak dinner so I can do my “manly man cutting the steak” voice, and then we’ll have some poor waiter bring out a big dessert tray and explain each and every one of them to me as I wiggle my finger at them and say, “so what’s that one there?” It’s really great. If that sounds like a nice date to you, why don’t you come down to New York and talk about the Muppets?

FRANK
Hello there, my name is Frank Oz and I’m a puppeteer – just for now – looking for love. I like long talks about the craft of filmmaking, high art, and character purity. For me, the ideal date would be going to the store for a can of beans and not even recognizing each other.

CAROLL
Hello there, my name is Caroll Spinney and I’m a puppeteer. Before I ask you out, do you have any old photos of yourself with different hairstyles so I can verify whether or not I’ve asked you already?

JANE
Jim is doing what now?!

RICHARD
Hello there, my name is Richard Hunt and I’m a puppeteer. When I’m not performing one of my characters, I’m often working as a right-hander. What I’m looking for in a partner is a two-hander.

JERRY JUHL
Hello there, my name is Jerry Juhl and I used to be a puppeteer. I was actually the first one to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane! Kind of a big deal, right? What I’m looking for in a woman is someone who won’t threaten to turn me into a frog like my last one. God, she was hot.

BOB PAYNE
Hello there, remember me?? I was the first puppeteer to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane, not Jerry!!! Look it up! What I’m looking for in a partner is someone who will remember I exist.

JERRY NELSON
Sorry, what was his name again? “Bob Payne,” you said? Nope, never heard of him.

EISNER
Hello, I’m Michael Eisner, chairman and CEO of The Walt Disney Company. What I’m looking for in a partner is someone honest, dependable, loyal, respectful, obedient, and with a strong sense of corporate ethics. What I don’t want is someone who wastes company money like Michael Ovitz. For me, the ideal date would be stealing the rights to Sesame Street.

BRIAN
Hi, I’m Brian Henson. This dating video stars Brian Henson, the son of my father, Jim Henson. My father once tried to set me up with Debbie Harry, and I often tell the story of when everyone from The Muppet Show had dinner with her and watched her butt as she walked away. We took great pride in that. I guess the love I’ve been waiting for is Debbie Harry’s butt. For me, the perfect date would be hiding from David Bowie.

CAROLL
Hello there, my na– I have? Oh, sorry, never mind.

The DICKENSIAN CHRISTMAS MUSIC ENDS as we see that the banter about apples has been coming from our narrators, GONZO and RIZZO THE RAT, dressed in 19th Century British attire and standing behind an apple cart.
GONZO
They won’t last long the way you’re eating them!
RIZZO
What can I say? Eating things is my main character trait!
GONZO
Rizzo–
Rizzo notices the audience and CLEARS HIS THROAT to signal Gonzo. Gonzo turns and looks at the audience.
GONZO
Hello! Welcome to The Jim Henson Biopic: The Musical! My name is Brian Jay Jones.
RIZZO
And my name is Rizzo the Ra– Hey, wait a second, you’re not Brian Jay Jones!
GONZO
I am too!
Rizzo opens his copy of Jim Henson: The Biography and shows Gonzo and the audience the author photo.
RIZZO
See this! You two don’t look anything alike!
GONZO
Well that’s just because he isn’t wearing his hat.
Gonzo puts a big hat on top of the book and poses for Rizzo. Rizzo smiles and nods with recognition.
RIZZO
Oh yeah… but that only proves that you’re identical, not that you’re the same person.
GONZO
Of course I am! I know everything about this story!
RIZZO
Oh yeah? What happens next?
GONZO
This scene will end at precisely the moment when the screenwriter has nowhere else to go with it.
RIZZO
And when will that be?
GONZO
Now.

Elmo is bleeding through his bandages as he is loaded into the ambulance. Kevin and Richard watch in distress.
RICHARD
Had I thought about what could happen if you didn’t catch him, I wouldn’t have thrown him.
KEVIN
Do you really mean that?
RICHARD
Nope, hated him.

LORNE MICHAELS
There’s no way around it, John. You’re going to have to write the Muppet sketch this week.
JOHN BELUSHI
The Mucking Fuppets? Wo Nay. Sey thuck! Set omeone gelse.
LORNE MICHAELS
Why are you talking like that?
JOHN BELUSHI
Tant Aminella!
KING RUPERT
I guess we’ll never know who cast this terrible spell on my dearest John Belushi.

As the Muppets finish singing “RAINBOW CONNECTION,” we DOLLY OUT to reveal every Muppet and Henson creature ever made singing along, and then ZOOM IN on just one Muppet:
WILKINS
Now what do you think of Jim Henson?
Wilkins shoots you.
THE END
FADE OUT

FADE IN
EXT. SESAME PLACE – DAY
We open on Sesame Street, USA, in Sesame Place at The Muppetland Resort. We DOLLY IN toward the iconic statue of Jim Henson and Kermit the Frog, with the Goblin City Castle behind it. Children pass by carrying Kermit balloons, eating Kermit ice cream bars, and wearing Fraggle tails.
MICHAEL EISNER, 56, walks into frame.
EISNER
Hello, I’m Michael Eisner, Chairman of The Jim Henson Company. On tonight’s program, we have two special treats for you. The first is a new film called, ‘A Bad Jim Henson Biopic,’ in which the Muppets try to tell the story of Jim Henson, but all their information is wrong. It’s kind of a science fiction story that takes place in an alternate universe where Jim Henson never bought The Walt Disney Company, and he dies at the age of 53. It sounds far-fetched, I know – especially the part where the second-billed co-star of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ gets to make his own Muppet movie – but Jim says we have to air it. After that, stay tuned for a sneak peek of our newest ride, Journey into Imagination Illustrated, featuring over a dozen animatronic Karen Falks singing together.

INTERVIEWER
Mr. Henson, I have to ask, which Muppet character is your favorite?
JIM
Hmmm…. It’s a tough choice.
INTERVIEWER
I’m sure it’s like picking a favorite child.
JIM
It really is.
INTERVIEWER
But if you had to choose one?
JIM
I’d pick Brian for sure.

ORIGINAL TWEET

MINISTER
Jane Nebel, do you take this man to be your husband for as long as you both shall live?
JANE
I do.
MINISTER
And do you, Jim Henson, take this woman to be your wife for as long as you both shall live?
JIM
I do dooo do do do.
The Snowths appear. Jim SINGS “MAHNA MAHNA” for the wedding guests. Jane is unsurprised, yet still disappointed.

ORIGINAL TWEET