JIM
Hello there, my name is Jim Henson and I’m a puppeteer looking for love. Are you the love I’ve been waiting for? I like long walks on Hampstead Heath, novelty records, The Wizard of Oz, and going to see Les Misérables again to cry and cry and cry. For me, the ideal date would be a steak dinner so I can do my “manly man cutting the steak” voice, and then we’ll have some poor waiter bring out a big dessert tray and explain each and every one of them to me as I wiggle my finger at them and say, “so what’s that one there?” It’s really great. If that sounds like a nice date to you, why don’t you come down to New York and talk about the Muppets?

FRANK
Hello there, my name is Frank Oz and I’m a puppeteer – just for now – looking for love. I like long talks about the craft of filmmaking, high art, and character purity. For me, the ideal date would be going to the store for a can of beans and not even recognizing each other.

CAROLL
Hello there, my name is Caroll Spinney and I’m a puppeteer. Before I ask you out, do you have any old photos of yourself with different hairstyles so I can verify whether or not I’ve asked you already?

JANE
Jim is doing what now?!

RICHARD
Hello there, my name is Richard Hunt and I’m a puppeteer. When I’m not performing one of my characters, I’m often working as a right-hander. What I’m looking for in a partner is a two-hander.

JERRY JUHL
Hello there, my name is Jerry Juhl and I used to be a puppeteer. I was actually the first one to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane! Kind of a big deal, right? What I’m looking for in a woman is someone who won’t threaten to turn me into a frog like my last one. God, she was hot.

BOB PAYNE
Hello there, remember me?? I was the first puppeteer to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane, not Jerry!!! Look it up! What I’m looking for in a partner is someone who will remember I exist.

JERRY NELSON
Sorry, what was his name again? “Bob Payne,” you said? Nope, never heard of him.

EISNER
Hello, I’m Michael Eisner, chairman and CEO of The Walt Disney Company. What I’m looking for in a partner is someone honest, dependable, loyal, respectful, obedient, and with a strong sense of corporate ethics. What I don’t want is someone who wastes company money like Michael Ovitz. For me, the ideal date would be stealing the rights to Sesame Street.

BRIAN
Hi, I’m Brian Henson. This dating video stars Brian Henson, the son of my father, Jim Henson. My father once tried to set me up with Debbie Harry, and I often tell the story of when everyone from The Muppet Show had dinner with her and watched her butt as she walked away. We took great pride in that. I guess the love I’ve been waiting for is Debbie Harry’s butt. For me, the perfect date would be hiding from David Bowie.

CAROLL
Hello there, my na– I have? Oh, sorry, never mind.

RICHARD
hElLo ThErE, mY nAmE iS jIm HeNsOn AnD i ThInK fRaNk Oz Is tHe BeSt PuPpEtEeR eVeR aNd I jUsT wAnT tO kIsS hIs LiTtLe BuTt

Elmo is bleeding through his bandages as he is loaded into the ambulance. Kevin and Richard watch in distress.
RICHARD
Had I thought about what could happen if you didn’t catch him, I wouldn’t have thrown him.
KEVIN
Do you really mean that?
RICHARD
Nope, hated him.

DAVID LAZER
Jim, I’m firing Richard Hunt.
JIM
I won’t let you do that.
DAVID LAZER
Then I’m firing you too.
CUT TO:
David Lazer is wearing a fake beard and performing Kermit.

ORIGINAL TWEET

INT. DAVE GOELZ’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
The digital clock on the nightstand shows that it’s 2:30 AM. Dave is lying in the bed, SNORING, but we can’t really see him because he’s completely covered by his sheets.
Outside the window, a CLOAKED FIGURE appears, wearing a scary Halloween mask. She opens the window and sneaks up to the bed with over-the-top tip-toeing. She pulls back the covers and YELLS SCARY SOUNDS.
But there’s no one under the covers — just a bunch of pillows. The figure pulls off her mask. It’s JOCELYN STEVENSON, looking confused and alarmed. She notices the tape player beside the bed playing the FAKE SNORING SOUND.
Then, a calm yet haunting voice fills the room:
DAVE (O.S.)
Hello, Jocelyn.
On the big TV screen behind her, Dave Goelz appears, smiling menacingly, surrounded by his new pairs of shoes.
DAVE
That’s one more victory for ol’ Davey Goelz in The Great Fraggle Rock Prank War.
RICHARD (O.S.)
Or is it?
Dave looks up at the ceiling as Richard Hunt, YELLING INCOHERENTLY, falls on top of him.

ORIGINAL TWEET

In a montage set to “YOU CAN’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER,” we see Jim and his team go to all of the American television networks and get doors slammed in their faces. Note that the song will have to be played at 900% speed since there are only three doors and this will not take long.
INT. BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Jim, Frank, Jerry, Jerry, Dave, Richard, and Don are all sitting in their lockers.
RICHARD
What do we do now?
JIM
I guess all we can do is pray.
They all close their eyes and bow their heads.
JIM (CONT’D)
O Mighty Favog, we humbly ask your blessing upon our-
Jim is interrupted by a MAN yelling for him.
WAITER (O.S.)
Mr. Hanson? Mr. Hanson?
The man is the STEVE MARTIN WAITER, who walks up to the lockers holding a telephone.
WAITER
Are you Hanson, as in “MMMBop?”
JIM
No, Henson, as in “HmmmBop.”
WAITER
Telephone call for you – it’s some British guy.

ORIGINAL TWEET