LEW
I’ll make you a deal. I will produce The Dark Crystal only if you make another Muppet movie. The Dark Crystal is too big a risk on its own.
I still don’t understand it.
JIM
Is that maybe because half the characters are speaking a language that doesn’t exist?
LEW
No, you should definitely keep that part in until it’s extremely difficult to change. I just don’t understand what the story is about.
JIM
Then let me explain it to you again. Let’s start with The Great Conjunction.
LEW
Is that the part where the suns all line up to form a sky nipple?
JIM
Okay so understand the important part then.

JIM
Hello there, my name is Jim Henson, and I’m the director of a movie called E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial. You’ve probably heard of it since it won a whole bunch of awards and made a lot of money and everybody liked it. Now, when Steven Spielberg first told me that he was directing something called The Dark Crystal, I told him, “Stevie, that is a bad idea. Audiences won’t understand it.” But he made The Dark Crystal anyway, while I was making E.T. To prove it to you, here he is now: Steven Spielberg.
FRANK
I don’t wanna do this. The beard itches.
JIM
It’ll be good for the company, Frank.
FRANK
(sighs)
HI, I’m Steven Spielberg. I made The Dark Crys–
JIM
With feeling!
FRANK (CONT’D)
HI I’M STEVEN SPIELBERG I MADE THE DARK CRYSTAL AND PEOPLE DIDN’T LIKE IT AND JIM HENSON MADE E.T. AND EVERYBODY LIKED IT AND JIM THIS IS EMBARRASSING. Can I please just go direct movies now?
JIM
Yeah, sure, you can do the next Muppet movie if you want.
FRANK
Really?
JIM
Sure, I don’t care – I’m the guy who made E.T., motherfrogger!

LEW
I’m glad you had a good time shooting the Crystal Gayle episode of The Muppet Show, but I still won’t let you make that movie about her.
JIM
What are you talking about?
LEW
Isn’t she supposed to play the Dark Crystal?
JIM
What? No. I don’t think you understand – the crystal won’t be played an actress. It’s stone.
LEW
Jon Stone is playing the Dark Crystal?
JIM
No, you know what a crystal is. It’s like a jewel.
JERRY JUHL
I’m playing the Dark Crystal?
JIM
Oh, good lord.
LEW
That’s me! Am I playing The Dark Crystal?
JIM
Yeesh. This is what I get for having artistic ambitions and lofty goals.
DAVE GOELZ
You called, sir?
JIM
Okay, this was cute for a little while, but now it’s just starting to hurt.
JOHN HURT
When people told themselves their past with stories–
JIM
No, no, stop it! You know I meant hurt as in pain!
BOB PAYNE
Wow, I honestly didn’t think I’d be included in this biopic, but it’s nice to know I made the grade!
LEW
That’s me again! I guess now the ball’s in my court!
HOLMES A COURT
Hi, I’m taking this company now. Get out of my office.

INTERVIEWER
Mr. Henson, would you say The Dark Crystal is a science fiction film or a fantasy film?
JIM
Well, if I had t–
Brian Froud BURSTS THROUGH THE WALL.
BRIAN FROUD
IT’S A DOCUMENTARY YOU FOOLS WAKE UP SHEEPLE IT’S REAL IT’S ALL REAL THE FAIRIES ARE EVERYWHERE AND THEY’RE COMING THE GOBLINS ARE DESCENDING THE GREAT CONJUNCTION IS UPON US THE CRYSTAL CALLS!!!!!

DEAR
Always remember, Jim, to love and forgive everybody.
Jim takes his grandmother’s hand for the last time with tears in his eyes.
DEAR
It’s a good life. Enjoy it.
Dear COUGHS and then closes her eyes. When she dies, her head crumbles into little pieces in her pillow.
JIM
Neat, I’ll use that in The Dark Crystal.

ORIGINAL TWEET

JIM
Hello there, my name is Jim Henson, and you probably know me as the award-winning director of the films The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth.
JON STONE (O.S.)
Um, Jim, you know you’re better known as the creator of the Muppets.
JIM
Please just let me have this.

ORIGINAL TWEET