JIM (CONT’D)
So that’s when I said, “That’s nice, but the reason I flew to England was to discuss your offer to produce The Muppet Show!” Eh? Get it?
Jim smiles as he waits for laughter. Michael, Jerry Juhl, Jocelyn, and Duncan all just stare at him in silence. Jim’s smile fades as the rest of them exchange awkward glances.
JOCELYN
Well, it’s certainly interesting.
JIM
You don’t like it.
Jim, moping, takes off his big Fozzie-esque comedian tie.
JERRY J
Jim, you’re very good at comedy when you’re playing silly characters, and you’re a great director! We all get a kick out of your work. But, maybe you’re just not cut out for comedy without puppets. You’re certainly not ready for stand-up.
JIM
Yeah, I suppose you’re right.
He tosses his tie into the waste basket.
JIM (CONT’D)
Anyway, I suppose you’ve been wondering why exactly I’ve called this meeting. Well I’ll tell you: I want to do a children’s show that brings peace to the world.
Everyone else is stunned. They look at Jim with amazement. Slowly, gradually, they all get big smiles on their faces that turn to LAUGHTER. Everyone starts LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY except for Jim, who looks confused.
Jocelyn is slapping her knee. Jerry has a fit of CACKLING, rocking back and forth like his stomach is in pain from laughter. Michael is banging his fists and his head on the table. Duncan is practically HOWLING AND SCREAMING. They all fall out of their chairs and start rolling on the floor with laughter. This goes on for about three solid minutes.
Finally, they pick themselves up off the floor. Jerry suddenly runs out the door into the lobby.
JERRY J
Hey, everybody! My friend Jim is going to tell you the funniest joke in the world!
Michael and Duncan shove Jim into the lobby.
JERRY J
(to Jim)
Go on, tell ‘em!
Jim still doesn’t understand what’s happening.
JIM
I think we should do a children’s show that brings peace to the world.
Everyone else in the lobby drops their things and falls onto the floor with WILD LAUGHTER. They’re crying, kicking, and flailing their arms around. Jim hangs his head in disappointment.
Suddenly, everyone forms a delighted mob around Jim and picks him up, carrying him out of the lobby.
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB – EVENING
To a packed, standing room only crowd, a COMEDIAN, 27, is performing on stage, and the audience is enjoying it.
COMEDIAN
So the grizzly bear, he walks out of the room. Well, now, the panda bear–
He is suddenly cut off as the mob carrying Jim rushes onto stage and pushes the comedian off. They put Jim down in front of the microphone as Duncan adjusts it to his height.
MICHAEL
Here he is, folks, the greatest comedian in the history of humankind… Jim Henson!
The mob hurries into the wings and HUSHES themselves. Jim is standing in the spotlight in silence, looking depressed. He shyly rubs his arm. Finally, he quietly mutters:
JIM
I wanna do a show that brings peace to the world.
The audience just stares at him. They’re waiting for a punchline. Jim starts to walk off-stage. Suddenly, the whole audience erupts in what feels like an EXPLOSION OF LAUGHTER. They are holding onto one another just to stay standing, and they all start hugging each other and crying. The room is filled with thunderous CHEERS and APPLAUSE, and then becomes an orgy. They’re HOLLERING for more. Jim woefully walks back up to the microphone, accepting his fate. Off-stage in the wings, the comedian is yelling into a telephone.
COMEDIAN
Eddie! Eddie! It’s Marvin! …Your cousin, Marvin Murphy. You know that new comedy style you’re looking for? Well LISTEN to THIS!

INTERVIEWER
Mr. Henson, what would you say is the definition of a Muppet? Where does that word come from and what does it really mean?
JIM
Well, I used to say that it was a combination of the words “marionette” and “puppet,” but I said that because, you see, I am a liar. I really just liked the sound of it. I think what the Muppets are about is learning to be yourself — being silly and weird, and following your dreams.
INTERVIEWER
Can… can I be a Muppet?
JIM
Of course! Anyone can be a Muppet if they’ve got a dream and a song to sing. If you love vaudevillian comedy and old show tunes, you’re a Muppet. If you love cookies or you live in a trash can, you’re a Muppet. If you have an uncle but no biological parents, you’re a Muppet. If Peter Sellers can grab your foot, pull it through a knot he’s made with your arm, and just totally screw you up real good, you’re a Muppet. And now I own you.

Jim hurriedly walks across The Muppet Show’s set to the UNION REPRESENTATIVE standing in the corner of the Elstree soundstage, eating haggis.
JIM
Can we please have an hour of overtime today so we can finish shooting this episode?
UNION REP
Jim, why do you do this to yourself? Every night at the end of the shoot you come here and ask if you can have overtime, when you know that’s not going to happen. According to our union rules, we don’t work overtime unless we all hold a vote and the decision to stay is unanimous. In the history of the studio, a unanimous approval has never happened.
JIM
Yeah, I know.
UNION REP
… Until today.
JIM
What?
UNION REP
The crew talked it over and all agreed that, since it’s your last day and all, we’d like to thank you for being such a swell guy by giving you an hour of overtime.
JIM
Wow, that’s terrific! Now we have time to film that “Singin’ in the Rain” num– Oh shoot, I think that was Mr. Kelly who just bolted out the door in a sprint yelling “I’m free, I’m free, they’ll never make me sing that song again, NEVER, NEVER, HAHAHA!”
UNION REP
Yep, that was him.
JIM
Why isn’t anyone stopping him? Doesn’t Elstree Studios have security guards for this kind of thing?
UNION REP
You mean the Stormtroopers? You won’t get much help from them. According to their union rules, they don’t work overtime unless they all hold a vote and the decision to stay is unanimous….

JIM
Hello there, my name is Jim Henson and I’m a puppeteer looking for love. Are you the love I’ve been waiting for? I like long walks on Hampstead Heath, novelty records, The Wizard of Oz, and going to see Les Misérables again to cry and cry and cry. For me, the ideal date would be a steak dinner so I can do my “manly man cutting the steak” voice, and then we’ll have some poor waiter bring out a big dessert tray and explain each and every one of them to me as I wiggle my finger at them and say, “so what’s that one there?” It’s really great. If that sounds like a nice date to you, why don’t you come down to New York and talk about the Muppets?

FRANK
Hello there, my name is Frank Oz and I’m a puppeteer – just for now – looking for love. I like long talks about the craft of filmmaking, high art, and character purity. For me, the ideal date would be going to the store for a can of beans and not even recognizing each other.

CAROLL
Hello there, my name is Caroll Spinney and I’m a puppeteer. Before I ask you out, do you have any old photos of yourself with different hairstyles so I can verify whether or not I’ve asked you already?

JANE
Jim is doing what now?!

RICHARD
Hello there, my name is Richard Hunt and I’m a puppeteer. When I’m not performing one of my characters, I’m often working as a right-hander. What I’m looking for in a partner is a two-hander.

JERRY JUHL
Hello there, my name is Jerry Juhl and I used to be a puppeteer. I was actually the first one to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane! Kind of a big deal, right? What I’m looking for in a woman is someone who won’t threaten to turn me into a frog like my last one. God, she was hot.

BOB PAYNE
Hello there, remember me?? I was the first puppeteer to join the Muppets after Jim and Jane, not Jerry!!! Look it up! What I’m looking for in a partner is someone who will remember I exist.

JERRY NELSON
Sorry, what was his name again? “Bob Payne,” you said? Nope, never heard of him.

EISNER
Hello, I’m Michael Eisner, chairman and CEO of The Walt Disney Company. What I’m looking for in a partner is someone honest, dependable, loyal, respectful, obedient, and with a strong sense of corporate ethics. What I don’t want is someone who wastes company money like Michael Ovitz. For me, the ideal date would be stealing the rights to Sesame Street.

BRIAN
Hi, I’m Brian Henson. This dating video stars Brian Henson, the son of my father, Jim Henson. My father once tried to set me up with Debbie Harry, and I often tell the story of when everyone from The Muppet Show had dinner with her and watched her butt as she walked away. We took great pride in that. I guess the love I’ve been waiting for is Debbie Harry’s butt. For me, the perfect date would be hiding from David Bowie.

CAROLL
Hello there, my na– I have? Oh, sorry, never mind.

JIM
What I really want to do is bring peace to the world.
BELAFONTE
That’s what I want to do too! Have you organized any marches or been at the forefront of major social movements like I have?
JIM
No, but I’ve made a puppet vaudeville show.
BELAFONTE
Wow, you’re my hero and I’m going to speak at your memorial service!

LEW
I’m glad you had a good time shooting the Crystal Gayle episode of The Muppet Show, but I still won’t let you make that movie about her.
JIM
What are you talking about?
LEW
Isn’t she supposed to play the Dark Crystal?
JIM
What? No. I don’t think you understand – the crystal won’t be played an actress. It’s stone.
LEW
Jon Stone is playing the Dark Crystal?
JIM
No, you know what a crystal is. It’s like a jewel.
JERRY JUHL
I’m playing the Dark Crystal?
JIM
Oh, good lord.
LEW
That’s me! Am I playing The Dark Crystal?
JIM
Yeesh. This is what I get for having artistic ambitions and lofty goals.
DAVE GOELZ
You called, sir?
JIM
Okay, this was cute for a little while, but now it’s just starting to hurt.
JOHN HURT
When people told themselves their past with stories–
JIM
No, no, stop it! You know I meant hurt as in pain!
BOB PAYNE
Wow, I honestly didn’t think I’d be included in this biopic, but it’s nice to know I made the grade!
LEW
That’s me again! I guess now the ball’s in my court!
HOLMES A COURT
Hi, I’m taking this company now. Get out of my office.

NARRATOR
Now, I never met Jim Henson myself, but I’ve worked with his friends and his characters so much that I guess you could say I’m overcompensating for that. Hi, I’m Whoopi Goldberg, and you know, they say that behind every great man is a greater woman, or at least a more womanly woman, usually. For Jim Henson, that woman was his dear friend Mildred Huxtetter. Historians attribute her with saving the Muppets after the infamous Connie Stevens episode of The Muppet Show nearly ruined the Muppets forever….

ORIGINAL TWEET

JIM
I just don’t think I’m going to be able to pull this off. The Muppet Show is a failure. I’m a failure. I never do anything right.
BERNIE
Wow, that’s a weird thing for you to say since you’re usually an optimistic figure who seems unburdened by insecurity to the point that it’s hard to write a biopic that makes you a relatable character.
JIM
Gotcha! I have no doubts or insecurities and my attitude is positive!
BERNIE
You got me!

LEW
How would you like to see my Boomerang Fish act? I throw the fish away and they come back to me, like a boomerang!
JIM
That’s nice, but the reason I flew to England was to discuss your offer to produce The Muppet Show.

The CBS executive walks into his living room, gleefully counting stacks of money. At first he doesn’t seem to notice his WIFE (36), TEENAGE SON (16) and DAUGHTER (7) gathered around the TV set.
WIFE
Come here, dear, you have to see this new syndicated prime time television show! It appeals to all demographics and it’s in over 100 countries and everyone loves it now! I sure would hate to be married to the guy who turned down this show!
He walks up to the TV to see that the show they’re watching is The Muppet Show, which he had rejected. On the TV set, Kermit winks at him, somehow.
The CBS executive’s jaw drops. He drops the stacks of money on the floor. Then his pants fall down. The family dog pees on him. A piano falls on his head.